Top 5: Weird Japanese Vending Machines

Since the beginning of the age of man, we have been subjugated to numerous desires. Women Meat and Ale for example..and Ale.
However all life reproduces, feeds and feasts, to rise above all other creatures we came up with a way to distinguish ourselves.
No I am not talking about dank memeing, after all we are joined by cats in that matter, I’m talking of course by the ability to spend hours of our time, watching or reading “Top Lists”
This is one of these lists.

Because I feed on weirdness, I will start with a list about weird things Japanese people put in Vending machines…and an ale.

5. A Smart Car

A coin operated machine that houses a car would have been higher on this list if it was possible to actually get the car out of said machine with petty change. However this unfortunately is not the case, it’s all a ruse.
The true goal for this contraption is to distribute flyers for a nominal fee.
It comes in this cool tin with a LOT of smart branding on it.
On the flyer you can find out what type of smart you can drive Quit a marketing trick , but one does not simply put a car in a vending machine. We have to wonder is this really the best way to distribute those flyers?
Since it sells out quite regularly in Japan we are gonna have to assume the answer is yes!
And If I am honest , I would like a flyer as well.
I wonder if smart cars come in pink.

4. Dogwigs

Life can be a cruel mistress, just imagine you are wearing cosplay day in and day out and little Haichi there is just getting ebbin jealous. What can you do?
Well no fear, the Japanese are here, and this time they come bringing gatchapon gifts. Dogwigs to be exact. Yes for the meager price of 400 yen (about €3,11) Fido can change into Fifro! It’s unlikely that PETA would approve, but what do they approve of these days anyway! Whether it’s straight blonde hair on your bulldog or or a curly brown shih tzu. If I ever make it to Japan, I will buy a pink mohawk for my pug! And I don’t even own a pug!
Whatever looks best on your pooch, with wigs like these Senpai will notice them.

3. Underwear..for your soda bottle

The most people who know anything about the topic should have a good idea what takes the top spot of this list. The image should give clue you in as well.
Clearly the Japanese have some obsession with “pantsu” and who can blame them. I like panties like any other good octopus would but nevertheless the Japanese have a unhealthy obsession with it. In many Combino you can by chilled Shimapan (a pair of cute-like girl undies that in this case have been in a fridge usually available in several icecream-like colours)
Unfortunately these do not come from a vending machine yet and thus are disqualified from participation.
Luckily this is not the only refrigeration related underwear product out there.
Enter the underwear for your soda bottle.
You know there is nothing like getting a ice cold bottle of coke or iced tea and sitting down at a table with it. However these little droplets forming from your bottle can leave nasty watermarks on tables and chairs. Since carrying a coaster is rather impractical the obvious answer to this problem is of course, panties for the bottle. No more nasty watermarks and to be fair, now your bottle looks Kawaii as F#ck!.

2. Living Kabutomushi ( Japanese rhinoceros beetle)

From hair for your pet in a machine to a pet in a machine. Who doesn’t want their own Kabutomushi pal?
Well me personally , the only thing I hate more the bugs are horses (damn those fake unicorns).
Creepy crawlies might not be my thing but I get the concept of why they made this machine. Apparently the studying of those cute horned bugs that inspired Metabee from Medabots has been a staple in japanese education.
However with the cities growing seeking them out can be a time consuming undertaking.  Field trips to the forest can be expensive and rather impractical by themselves, going beetle hunting could still prove fruitless.
So a clever japanese man decided the best solution to this problem was to put some beetles, you guessed it, in a vending machine.
The machine became immensely popular with japanese citizens, school trips were made from all across the country to visit the incredible insect dispenser. Trips of several hours and people not able to get the bug , because stock ran out, made sure the distributing device created the exact same problems it was trying to solve. But hey at least this time people made money at least. Nowadays there are more bugs available, some living some more ornamental.
Some are even covered in gold. Now let us hope some of the more computerised versions of these machines don’t suffer from too many bugs.

Honorable Mentions

Nipple Flavoured Saltines

We know Kitkat in Japan offers a wide variety of weird flavours, but nothing as extravagant as nipple flavor. These saltines are one of the craziest snacks to be dispensed. Whether or not they actually taste of nipples remains a question unanswered. As owner of this blog however i shall take responsibility to find out for my dearest readers. If someone donates a ticket you will read all about this titulating mystery.

Tenga Egg + Porn Dvd (possibly)

Do it yourself is pretty popular so I guess this should come as no surprise. However just look at how casual this machine is presented. It almost looks cute. You buy your toy and apparently if there is a code in your gatchapon as well you can head inside the store and pick one dirty dvd. Then I guess it’s time to play

1. Worn (unwashed) schoolgirl panties!

It should come as no surprise that this is number one, at least if you knew these machines were out there. For those who did not know, yes this is a real thing!
Because they have been outlawed in the bigger shopping areas in Tokyo they might seem forgotten but are certainly not gone. In general all you need to do to get yourself some poor girl’s knickers is find a less reputable adult store and then check the alleyways next to it. Chances are your quest will be successful. These machines come in numerous variations, from a random ball containing a panty from unknown origins to a machine where you pick a number and you can pick up a sniffer and a picture of who it belongs to.
However all you perverts who are considering buying a product like this should know, that a great many salesman sell you placebos.
These entrepreneurs will scrounge up cheaply storebought panties and will spray them with a cheap perfume. Their victims pay top-yen for a second-hand scent but will unknowingly sniff up fresh perfume particles instead.
Who would have thought, you can’t  even trust blackmarket-second-hand-schoolgirl-panty-resellers these days.
If I am honest, I am not sure if those swindlers are heroes who keep the panties where they belong, their original owner or the trashcan , or if they are scum for catfishing in the murkiest of ponds.

Who would buy these panties? What weirded you out the most let me know in the comments!


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