The second column I open in this site shall be titled Octopus Observes, in which I review a movie that is currently running in the movie theaters.
My friend the flaming phoenix loves horror movies and constantly drags me along and usually I do enjoy them. When we heard about a movie that combines the wishmaster series with final destination we were very happy campers. When the movie was over it was painfully clear we did not get what we wished for.
Here to help me explain what is wrong with the movie is my good friend “the plothole Tanuki” he doesn’t say much but he counts plot holes, which can be helpful when reviewing bad movies like Wish Upon.
I wish for better characters
The first few minutes of the movie trick you into believing this might actually be a decent movie. With John R Leonetti as a director we hope we are in for a treat like the conjuring series.
We are introduced to two characters and it’s clear someone is going to die. A bit of mystery is set up in the form of a mysterious parcel being thrown away and when the scene reaches its dramatic conclusion we feel like we could be in for a treat.
This is the second best scene in the entire movie and to be fair it’s fairly average, the ridiculousness of this movie becomes blatantly clear when we see main character Clare waking up from having a nightmare about what happens all those years ago. When she walks outside we see she is still living in the old house and her old bike is still in the same place she left it all those years ago. Seriously the bike was never picked up just so it serves as a piece of visual enforcement.
Next we are introduced to every character we are gonna meet in the film in a matter of ten minutes. Everyone follows a trope. The fallen from grace father, the bullied main character, the bimbo-bully and her partner, the creepy old man you are not allowed to talk with, the love interest, the shallow hot guy the main character is more interested in and the sassy black friend with the big mouth.
Everything is there and everyone has nothing besides their trope, well everyone has a personality disorder apparently cause every reaction is so extreme. This is Nickelodeon or Disney XD levels of characters. After twenty minutes I wished they would all die including the main character.
This entire movie is filled with extremely over the top teenage drama and overreacting. When father Jonathan finds a chinese box, which would fetch a lot of money at antiquers, he decides to keep it and give it as a gift to his daughter. He figures she might like it because she is studying chinese. Now here is the doozy, that box is the same one his WIFE cherished all those years ago , which she even made paintings off, yet he doesn’t seem to notice this once!
I wish for a better Script
And so the movie finally takes off just before I would think I was actually watching a bad soap opera version of high school musical. By plot convenience ..again.. the only thing Clare manages to translate 7 wishes from the relic her father found, she decides to show it to her teacher later. Because why the fuck not, she decides to make her first wish and whaddayaknow it somehow comes true.
But mysteriously something terrible happens right after, in fact this is the most emotional death in the entire movie but it happens entirely off screen. Not linking these events Clare continues wishing, she has a crush on a guy who bullies her, but apparently falling in love with someone who throws coffee at you is rather normal? Of course by the power of movie magic someone close to Clare has to die now…and it turns out to be …someone she spoke to once! I count this as a plot hole if the movie doesn’t even follow its own established rules. The set-up appears all final destination like but in the end no chain reaction occurs, just another random thing happens. Worst of all it happens off screen. All we see is the musicbox
Clare decides to wish for another incredibly selfish thing and again a person who is close to her should die, but once more another random person dies, this time she isn’t even on a first name basis to said person. The horrible death scene seems like a rejected version from one of the scenes from the original final destination. After the Clare moves to a new house, apparently they keep the old house for plot convenience. As the mandatory expert is visited it doesnt take a genius to figure out who the next victim will be..A person Clare met once…great thinking! A phone falls down four stories and remains unscathed and as we reach the halfway point of the movie the desire to walk out the theater certainly is there.
I wish for better actors
Now the good part of the movie is over, with the exception of one good scene there are no redeeming factors beyond this point. Clare makes a stupid wish out of the blue, that makes no sense at all. The bad acting really begins to shine through here as the main cast now starts to having conflicts with one another, Clare’s love interest knows she made a wish that killed someone precious to him and the anger is really wooden. Meanwhile Clare is turning into a weird crossover between barbie and gollum/smeagol. She makes the stupidest wish to date, which is luckily addressed by her “friends” who are angry at her for SITTING AT THE TABLE OF THE GUY SHE LIKES DURING LUNCH!
Yep they despise her for that and nearly drop her as a friend. That’s true friendship right there, can’t date the cute guy! But the anger and hate feels so fake, actors are literally smiling during arguments and later in the movie even when someone is accidently killed. The musical box from chinese hell is less mechanical than these characters.
The dad can act a bit,but the true actors, the ones you actually seen on movies and tv, they all make a minute or less cameo in there just to be killed, off screen! Suddenly comes a clustfuck of plotholes as all characters forget their trouble with each other..for some reason, people get impaled by huge statues and somehow it doesn’t make the news or hasn’t even been communicated through the town and somehow friends get upset that Clare does not wish anything for them while she has been treating them on expensive bags, luxury food, parties and makeovers! People literally forget what happened one scene ago if it’s more fitting to give some more teen drama ..or end it to move the story forward. It feels like the movie has been shot chronologically cause not a single of the actor seems to know what happened in the scenes connected to this one.
I wish there was more gore, at least something..c’mon!
It only gets worse and worse, Clare notices she is being stalked and the first time she notices it, she doesn’t do anything about it, the second time she runs trough the yard with a rake and when her father asks her what’s wrong, she tells him it’s nothing..and he lets it go!
Dude your daughter is running trough the garden in her nightgown with a rake! Yelling stuff about someone to reveal himself and you buy her story that it’s nothing! No! No human , except for my ex, can be that stupid. Finally it’s time for a relevant death, yay, emotions..oh right they can’t act…well plot progress I guess! The scene is directed and editted very well, now this feels Final Destination, the way two characters move into danger, even though it’s blatantly obvious who is gonna die , I started to question myself so in the best scene in this entire movie we finally have a great build up to a meaningful kill. Thank the lo…’oh wait it happened off screen, right uhm you do know this is a horror movie right?!’ Every single kill…yes every single one of them, with a half exception for the last one, happens off screen. The most gore we get is contact splatter.
The makers got their PG 13 rating meaning more people get to see it, but that’s like covering up the ding-dongs and yahoo’s of italian statues with cowdung and expecting people to still like it and bring their kids along? That’s like making a movie of dragonball and instead of using a kid cause the fight scenes will look more badass, you just don’t do …. oh wait. If you make a pg 13 horror movie , you are not actually making a horror movie. By now this product of satan is barely even classifying as a movie.
There is a pretty cool backstory for the chinese box, but again nothing is done with that, they only state that it allways gets noticed that people start dying around the owner of the box. Wait..did your mother not have the box, by now it’s clear she used it as well so you did not notice people dying around her back then nor did your father, and that painting you just looked on, did you not move that to your mansion, if you moved the painting did you not see it? Wait why did you just make that stupid selfish sixth wish, why don’t you just wish to leave the box to leave you alone, you live in a mansion how can people break into it so easy, seriously her house gets broken into at least FOUR times, when someone would break into my house and threatens me with a knife and then tries to commit suicide I would at LEAST change the locks. Time and time again the movie breaks it’s own rules, destroying its own mythos and what little sense of immersion you might have. I know common sense as hard to come by in movies and I don’t mind that, but apparently the writer for Wish Upon figured dumbing down common sense means throwing sense out of the window all together. And all we get as a reward is contact splatter.
I wish I would never have spent money on this!
The ending is no redeeming factor, do you know what is the worse ending to a movie?
A bad ending, no in horror that works and for the love of god that selfish bitch would deserve to burn as a chinese demons slowly rips out her eyeballs and sucks out her soul from her empty sockets.
But yeah..no gore so it ain’t happening.
The worst ending of a movie is the “it’s just a dream ending” and of course we get a really standard variation of this, though there are some “twists” this is one of those endings you can see from a mile away and even takes away all the movie has been leading up to. The main conflict remains unresolved, issues have not been dealt with and a better solutions has basically been delivered on a silver platter. Yet the main character and possibly the writers are to stupid to see that and come up with a fucknugget of an ending. This movie is so enjoyably bad that would rather watch Tommy Wiseau’s The room, twice! HEY MARK! A horror flick can be bad , in honesty most of them are, but then make them so bad that they are good in a way. This one is just bad, it takes itself way too serious. This could have been our new Leprechaun or Wishmaster, this could even have been our new Final Destination, but this movie wishes to be it all, the family movie, the dramatic teen movie, the scary chain event film and the movie with mystical lore and demons. It succeeds in none of these.
Lore is ignored for the sake of time, scary is ignored in sake of family, family is ignored by the fact that people get impaled by a bull, in a very dark room and off camera but still and the drama doesn’t work out due to bad actors and issues moving along for plot convenience. With about 2 two decent minutes and three relatively good ones, this movie is not worth your money. Guess the movie makers don’t get what they wished for, hey at least it means the barista that they met on some inspiration trip and ordered a cup of heavenly hazel from doesn’t die…of screen.
You know you have watched a bad horror movie when you are wondering if the scariest thing about the movie is one of the following:
1. The mind of the writer for writing such a faulty incoherent story riddled with plot holes.
2. The fact that tomorrow more people around the globe will sink their money into this atrocity.