Tentacle Tantrums: Superman (64)

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I am a very peace loving person, I love love and friendship. However for entertainment’s sake I am willing to go beyond. In Tentacle Tantrums I am gonna dive, not into the ocean like I usually do but in a sea. A sea of shit! As I will take a look at some legendary atrocious products.  
I will be your personal octopus pretending to be a dung beetle. And this first one is a BIG pile of dung. In 2008 Beyonce said, if you liked it you should have put a ring on it, following that logic Titus entertainment would have liked this game very much, cause this has about as many as a sonic game. It’s time to fly through rings in Superman.

Lex Wins

I begin the game and first pick my native language of dutch, I was just wondering what would actually be dutch. I don’t mind the voices not being English, but when screen text are not consequently translated you know this thing will be shit. Time for a reset.
After choosing English at least the inconsistencies are solved, we see a cutscene where Lex, who looks like he ate the Kingpin by the way, kidnapping Lois and two other barely recognisable characters. The urgency of this kidnapping screen really screams out as Lois, and I assume Jimmy and maybe Perry, stand there in casual poses as they let the portal take them away.


So now we can’t make a moving 3d model for cutscenes? This isn’t really promising.
As the game begins I realise that in fact they can’t make moving 3d models. Superman looks horrible. Like he is as big as the trees and his size doesn’t feel right in the environment, why does he move like a baby that you have thrown in a body of water?
And then there are the rings, kryptonite green rings and if you don’t fly through them Lex wins.
What the hell does that even mean? I know Supes is supposed to be placed in some virtual realm but how does superman lose from not following in a specific path? Ugh….
Why would Lex program passable feats in his game anyway why doesn’t he give supes just one second and when he enters he loses?
It’s only when I start playing the game that apparently what Luthor has done, he did not give superman a deadly timeline but he made it so that he has to move like he has just shit in his pants.
The control of this game is worse than most people say it is, cause if you play it on an actual n64, those controllers suffer over time meaning nowadays this game is nearly unplayable.

After four controllers and Lex Wins for about 28 times I found the one with the stiffest analog controller in me and my friends possession. Even then it feels like it has the accuracy of projectile vomit, this just looks less pretty. After about fifteen minutes of trying I clear the first level! “Yay now I can move on to the next stage, oh cool I have to prevent a car crash” … Lex Wins. “Huh wait what happened?” When I realise what happened I found myself back at the rings again. *Sigh*. I steer the drowning baby through some rings again, and after that I unpause my game and do the same for the man of steel.
I find out I have six seconds for this stage, cause fairness is not a thing in this.
I fail because I am to appalled when I found out that on this stage they did not even use buildings, they use a flat map like image..while a woman with a stroller is walking past the coloured squares.
Lex Wins through crappy graphics.

Kryptonite

My tentacles really begin to curl up now as this poor excuse of a game clearly isn’t going to be play fair. I picked up the car on my so maniest try and waited for the time to run out, crash averted right?
Lex Wind?! Uhm..”WHAT THE ACTUAL FRICK! I have to pick them both up and throw them across the city, where they explode?” This is just ridiculous. I finish the stage and what do you know, it’s back to rings again, I am actually getting fairly decent with these rings so the second stage I pass after a few attempt, and if you fail you’re not put back to the first series at least. After more car dickery , it’s more rings and then something with having to stop tornado’s in a contained area?! Yeah great way to spend your time on that. About thirty minutes in I wish I was playing Race Drivin!
After the dreadful ring-stage, which not many people even finish, it gets even worse as we enter the first action stage.
The Dam..damn why are dam’s always damned, that TMNT game also had a bad dam stage! Must be the curse of water levels, but this isn’t even a water level!
We enter a robot infected dam without any explanation again, cause why the hell not. We are placed in a room which look like it has been made to look like it could have been on the original gameboy. Just some greys and greens. I am already quite annoyed and my blood pressure is probably way higher than what’s healthy for me, as I try to move superman ..oh no frick walking has almost resident evil controls? How much can you fuck things up?!  I find an enemy which is like the most bland unimaginative droid ever. Imagine buying a green coloured volleyball, you know the more expensive ones that are in a carton rather than a net. The ones that you see in toy commercials, yeah..well that’s about how that robot thingy looks. As I try to punch it I pick it up, ugh, I throw it away and it explodes and I get hurt..whether it is from invisible bullets from the thing or the explosion of that thing i unkown, it’s Superman so both don’t make sense anyway.
So after that I pick up a cardboard box and ..it explodes!


So the apparent I am quite self loathing for allowing myself to go through with this game, by now I realise I must hate myself so much that I am just complete trash! The only thing that I hate more right now is this game…and it gets worse. The exploding cardboard box drops a keycard…right..sure , so now the door is opened and I walk through wanting to take the elevator. Nope, there is something I need to do…I apparently need to use the computer in the first room, the one that has all broken textures on it! Do you remember when you had to jump to that used block in Mario? Do you remember how you have to interact with sparking broken computers in Half Life or Duke Nukem? This makes so much sense. Also why is everything coloured green? Is everything made of kryptonite and is this why superman flies like he’s drunk and walks like he has diarrhea and is one fart away from having a brown outfit?
I enter the next area and encounter a villain, of course it’s from the cartoon the game is based off.
Unfortunately that mean you just get some unknown rip-off character based on Zod’s team.  


By now I have decided to just fly cause moving is more tedious..unfortunately when you’re flying you don’t trigger dialog. So i fly into the villainess and think I have to attack her and she falls through the floor….she isn’t coming back, so now I am back to the first ring stage.
*Commercial* Japanese Shouting Jars now available with the superman 64 print! Contain your anger!

When I return to this game and mind you it has been quite a few hours, but I could not sleep so I decided to soldier on, I get back up to Mala and this time by sheer luck I am walking. Aaah so that’s how this game works if superman flies he is invisible. Guess what colour she is wearing by the way…yes it would seem green is the most easy colour to program besides from grey. After telling her thing she just walks off to go and place bomb on turbines and superman just lets her, cause workers being trapped by a giant eel of course seems menacing than a villain with powers equal to clark kent’s alter ego. To enforce this idea, the eel is immortal, it can electrocute him a he punches it and laser eye beams to melt it’s face off or trapping it in ice is not possible.
So after it killed me I found out there i a keycard in said tank that you have to pick up and use to open a door, after using a dynamite trigger to lower the water levels the eel seems to have flushed away through the shutter and probably got sucked into the turbines or something. This is where you encounter your first health pack, which is shaped liked the kryptonian symbol of hope, or the superman S if you don’t care about it. Now we hear the best healthpack effect I have ever heard in a game. The sound of getting health is the sound of superman…getting shot!
I wish our planet was the one that exploded now.

Red Lantern

After dealing with my friend schocky the eel we get out first power upgrade in the form of frost breath, cause apparently in Luthor’s game world he doesn’t have all his powers from the start? (Why give him any to begin with Lex this makes no sense at all) After freezing some bombs I cheered as superman wins appeared on the screen, I actually did a little dance of joy that i finished this shitty stage.

This of course is a mistake! If you don’t press start right after the win screen you die! Dieing means going all the way back to the beginning of the stage, so after another round of exploding cardboard, flushing eels, and letting super villain just walk off I finish the stage.
Stage 3 is another ring stage and this is where the game becomes so horrid that it’s beyond words.
The timer now is way more lenient, like easy even, you can pass these in half the time, if it weren’t for the bullshit they pulled next.
Moveable rings, that’s right, the rings now move so getting through them with those shitty controls just became harder. Though like I said due to the time limit it’s certainly not impossible , this just annoying.
The swooshing of superman becomes more annoying as well as you need to do it a lot more, and the absolutely ear bleeding sounds of this game become so much more obvious. After the checkpoint  you need to pick up some flying bomb dropping droids, who this time look green, obviously, and kinda like that first robot you drew as a kid. These of course  can be killed by throwing them..cause flying robots moving at equal velocity to their moving speed involuntarily is how you destroy that beep boop mother fucking thing you drew as a kid.
Now it’s back to the rings  and if you are not salty enough to quit the game yet this will do it.  The rings now move in larger pattern and they even clip through the ground, that’s right now you have to wait for rings to pop out OF THE GROUND!!!!!
Missable rings

LIKE SHITY CONTROL AINT BAD ENOUGH, EVERYTHING BEING GREEN AINT VOMMITY ENOUGH AND THE SCREEN DOESN’T LOOK MURKY ENOUGH, LIKE MY SCREEN HAS BEEN WASHED WITH THE CUM OF THE SAD GAME DESIGNER WHO LAUGHS AT MY SUFFERING WHEN I PLAY THIS GAME! NOW I HAVE TO WAIT FOR RINGS TO UNCLIP OUT OF THE GROUND? AND THIS IS A DESIGN CHOICE…HENCE THE FLASHING LIGHTS ON THE RINGS!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
With thunder clouds forming over my head I clear this stage and then I have to protect a skateboarder, like the police car in the first level I try to pick the skateboarder up and fail the level…
Now as I throw my controller through the room, I realise this is probably a good time to end this before I get lost in rage and get turned into a magical octopus red lantern, napalm breath doesn’t really agree with my skin very well , I don’t wanna be Takoyaki yet, though it’s how I hope to go in the  end.
This game is rage inducing for all the wrong reasons, I found no redeeming factor AT ALL in this game and I usually try to look for the best, back in the day I think it scored  about a 4 out of 10 in gamemagizines if memory servers correctly, but how could they have graded it this high?!
With broken controls, graphics that are so dull I’d rather watch Angela Merkel give a striptease, sound that  is so annoying that I’d rather watch the full discography of Nickleback and true gameplay guano.
Guano is batshit by the way!  
Games are supposed to be fun and make you relate to your hero, this game is not fun and now I wanna kill superman!
Wait could it be, that the video game we play is actually Lex design, did he make it so that everyone would hate superman, that our knight in shiny spandex would fall from grace?
Did they make this game intentionally so bad that it seems like superman truly suffers? Is our suffering superman’s suffering? And on a total meta did he make the game so bad that we just don’t want to finish it so he would actually win? Does Lex know of our world, perhaps he plans to cross over…oh no we need super***blegh*  I can’t even say it. I guess Lex really does win.

But seriously, a lot has been said about this game already, but even for it’s cult status this game is not worth playing! Yes it’s fun to watch your friends suffer as they play horrible games, but this game has nothing that makes it visibily entertaining for the others watching. So this game is an utter failure. They should bury this game in a desert or something.

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