Tentacool Top 8: Assholes in videogames


A new week a new list, but since I don’t have any fingers counting to five was quite the challenge! So I upgraded it to fit my molluscy being.
Yesterday me and my friends shaved my friend the curly Kitsune bald, we had great fun watching him suffer. When the right circumstances arrive we can all turn into assholes.
This even applies in video games. But the people on this list are in a state of perpetual assholeness.

8. Lieutenant Commander Shepard

Shepard is a bit of a special case. The assholeness is optional and Jennifer Hale’s femshep make sounding like an asshole cool. The Commander can be quite a saint if you follow the Paragon path in Mass Effect but if you follow the ways of the Renegade oh my. Renegade Shepard punches harmless women, throws innocents out of windows and can string on a lots of lovers. If you are starting to physically corrupt by your own assness then that’s some Dorian Gray level of douchiness right there.
Murderhobo, racist, swindler, sexisit pig, aggresive, selfish, bully, sell-out, scammer, troll and so much more. When you imply to one of your best friends that he the reason you died you are an asshole.
The world of Mass Effect is filled with these types, but apparently Shepard wants to be the very best.

7.  Pokemon Trainer Blue

Living in an disfunctional family can easily mess you up as a person. Having a grandfather who can’t remember your name is one of these things that scar you. As proven as by Blue Oak or Gary if you wanna do it wrong. Blue is not the same type of asshole as Shepard was. Gary is the much more annoying smug asshole type. With a superiority complex that doesn’t go away Blue has no control over his level off ass. Though he seems to have redeemed himself somewhat with his recent appearance in Sun and Moon, his Kanto form’s douche level equals the number of zubats in any random cave. He challenges you at the most inconvenient times, keeps insulting you even though you are clearly the superior trainer and just is an unpleasant person. He doesn’t seem to be as nice as to his Pokémon and he could be and has way too much weaknesses in his team. A Masquerain and Archeops should sweep his main theme easily. As blunt as he is with pokemon as cruel can he be with fellow humans. Who tells their sister, to NOT give a map to a 10 year old so they can survive in the big world? Man that is harsh. Silver may seem douchier since he steals as well and such but he is the son of Giovanni so what can we expect? Gary’s only trigger seems to be a scatterbrained grandpa. Sure he might or might not have seen his raticate die but he was an ass way before that happened. As soon as his sprite appears you already know, this guy is going to be an asshole.  You don’t have to be wise to notice that.

6. Kaepora Gaebora

If you don’t know who Kaepora Gaebora is I would not be surprised, his name is not that widely known but you might know him as the owl guy from the n64 zelda games.  The owl also appeared in the four swords games. But it’s Ocarina of Time that established him as an asshole. He is yet another type of asshole. This time it’s one of the worst types there is. The over-explanatory boring asshole.
Though your feathered looking friend talks with your really civilised he is rather boring, especially on a second playthrough or even after retrying an area after you got killed. His theme on it’s own is enough to kill every ounce of adrenaline you have. As he bombards you with trivial text your patience begins to run thin. When you begin smashing that button to skip his tedious rambles is when he turns into the true asshole he is. Do you wish me to tell you this again? “A! Friiiiiick I pressed yes”. When repeating your boring dialog is your standard option you are an asshat. He just traps you into an eternal state of dialog as long as you hang out with him, thank the one horned god, that he doesn’t have a cellphone.

5. Roman Bellic

Time to address the type of asshole that everyone knows. That one friend! You know who I am talking about. That one friend that always ends up getting you in trouble. It’s the WHOOPS-asshole.  This is the guy who calls you up and tells you he needs a wingman in the club as you pick up the friend of the girl he is after you take her home and find out she is a dominant shemale.  When you call up your friend up the next day he apologises and says he has some cheap vodka and you two can drink your sorrows away, since he blew his chance with his girl you decide to go visit him and go drink, the next day you find out the vodka is so cheap because it’s a failed batch and as you try to yell at your friend over the phone he just goes…whoops!
That is exactly that kinda dick that Roman from GTA is! Every time you meet him you know you will get into trouble. Much like with your standard whoops-asshole Roman completely breezes over his mistakes. Aaah water under the bridge..let’s go bowling. Now if he would make up for his misdeeds this would be okay, but you end up being the one paying.  He also continues to call you when it’s most inconvenient. The only thing he does for you is that he will let you use his cabs for free!
Why the frick did he not do that from the beginning, I have payed my dues for you Roman! Oh right and this game is about stealing cars and going fast, why would I cab?! That’s like just stupid and he cabby sucks! You can’t get angry at these characters so all your rage is bottling up until one day you finally blow!

4. The Creeper

One of the more natural assholes in this list comes in the form of the creeper. Though what they do comes natural to them and their assholeness is instinct that doesn’t clear them off this list.  This minecraft dweller are huge squares!
The creeper is that bully type of asshole, not just the one that trips you up and laughs but much worse. This is the kind of bully that watches you enjoy as you build a sandcastle and as soon as pride appears in your eyes he takes a leap and jumps right into it. This little fucker will wipe hours of work and even kills himself to do so?! So he’s to weak to be confronted with his character flaws, just solidifying a higher place on this list. Why would a creature invade your castle and blow itself up as soon as people are close? That’s not a natural instinct! It’s sheer evil and spite! Clearly these creatures have dedicated themselves to this! They must be some kind of hivemind planning to make you grind more and more! Imagine if creepers would be in Worlds of Warcraft and if they kill you , you level down and all your max level gear will be destroyed as you are not eligible to wear it!
That’s the creeper, when you see one of their frowny faces you have to resist punching it or you will regret it.  Thank god they don’t have smiles off their faces. Them laughing at you would have put them on the top spot of this list.

3. Duckhunt Dog

When I do a list I tend to do a bit of research and check out my competition. I don’t want the items on my list to be all the same, yet I will also make sure some of the very famous ones also feature on my list. Now is this list one of the more diverse on the internet, sure Shep has been mentioned, the creeper popped up on a list here and there but it seems like people can’t agree who’s the actual biggest asshole. Yet ONE listing was shown on ALL the lists I read. That is Duck Hunt Dog.
To be fair there was no question he was gonna be on my list either, but his dickness is so vast that every single person who writes about assholes in videogames includes him.
Objectively that would place this guy in the first spot and to be fair he’s a genuine contender.  The ‘laughing at your misery’ type is one of the easiest to hate. Laughing at you for missing is a low blow, especially when it comes easy due to unreliable light guns or zappers. His laugh is very annoying and vexy, I tried to shoot him so many times but kept missing! To bad, if I killed it the next asshole on the list might have been able to deal with it.

2. Pac-Man

This one may surprise you, but that’s his type the ‘hidden’ asshole. He who pretends to be all friendly and nice but when we get down to his roots they are rotten to the core.Pac-Man is one of the worst. The bally man-thing is truly scum. Though we do not see his rottenness during the maze game he is best know for  this, these on their own already show his vast gluttony, his craving for performance enhancing pellets  and willingness to bully Pinky . I don’t care about the rest of the ghosts but poor Pinky, being eaten and having to be reborn just to be eaten again. But his true wickedness is revealed in Pac-Man 2 on SNES. We have to assist pac-man by shooting with our slingshot so he already is begging us to be vandal. In this game we find out he has made children with Ms Pac Man, as her name hasn’t changed to Mrs Pacman we can safely assume she is not married. Meaning even if she gave him babies he refused to make an honest woman out of her. Where she uses endearing words like darling on him he just coldly uses Ms Pacman. During this adventure you solve some trivial trouble like getting milk for Pac-Baby by making other peoples live miserable. To find the guitar of your son for example you have to ruin a man’s paint job. As Pac Man bumps into his scaffolding the paint ruins the man’s work and sends him flying in the air the yellow guzzler just stands there laughing. Because he is to cheap to pay for stuff Pac-Man will steal balloons, kick over garbage cans all over the city , eat the gum of all the children in town and destroy just about every flower pot. With a very very bad temper, destroying soda machines because he fails to get a can out and so much more! He is petty, has a very bad temper and doesn’t treat his family that well…if you name your child Pac-Baby you will scar if for life when it grows up, with a name like Baby she can only be a stripper. Believe what you will but hanging with Pac-Man won’t be a party!

1. Toad

This is the face of the biggest assholes in videogames. I am not even kidding the list of Toad’s vices is so long I could dedicate an entire blog to it. First of all there is of course the decoy thing!
I am sorry Mario but the princess is in another castle! Well frick you tell u what castle she is really in?! You are not telling me? …Wait are..are you flipping me off?! Yes that’s right  Toad flips you off in the original game. Now imagine that smug face and imagine toad’s voice as you see him flipping you off.
He is not an ally he is a minion of Bowser. As if sidetracking a plumber on his quest to rescue a princess is not enough Toad soon after became a professional dick!. As the original host and creator of Mario Party he is possibly the most evil character in the Marioverse. The original Mario Party was a destroyer of friendship but in the second installment he decided to bank on his friend’s rivalry and leech of their battles. When he had banked enough he decided to join the game he created , which hardly seems fair anyway, to rob his friends of super stardom. His shrieky taunty voice only adds more salt. Being a recurring character in Mario Kart, the mario platformers where you can compete with one another and most of the sport games. Toad is in every single rage inducing Mario game. With his ridiculous strength and speed he is a force to be reckoned with in any versus as Toad loves harming his friends. His kart design with a ridiculous acceleration has been made to fall behind an opponent shoot him and quickly pass by again.  In Mario Party he created games that let his friends skate over lava, where they are set adrift at sea, where you crush your friends with a hammer or have to throw them off a mountain. He even allied with Bowser and Boo to make the game even more worse. He helped Mario in Super Mario 2 you say? No he did not that was all just a dream!
To Illustrate there are games where Mario and Bowser work together, that actually happened in the Marioverse. Though Toad fought along with Mario on both Wii and Wii U both those games features a versus aspect as well. So relatively Toad has opposed Mario in more games then Bowser.
Toad is the false friend! And that totally is the worst kind of asshole.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s