In just a few weeks time I am gonna see the worst movie in the history of mankind.
A movie so horrible that James Franco will ridicule it. With about two more weeks before I am gonna go watch Tommy Wiseau’s the room it’s time to reminisce.
What is the worst movie I have watched so far? Only one answer comes to mind. A movie so bad it’s been on Youtube for three and a half years and nobody bothers to flag it for copyright. A movie which tries to teach us to be careful with our environment. For your entertainment I return to: Birdemic Shock and Terror.
Shock and Terror
When looking up this movie on IMDB you get a few movie suggestions you might like:
-Daniel der Zauberer
-Manos: The Hands of Fate
Though most are in different genres as the film IMDB already knows you can only watch this movie ironically. If you like Birdemic you must like bad movies, here’s a few others.
That is how bad this movie is! It’s so bad it’s genre is BAD! Frick that’s some statement of quality right there. The subtitle of this movie is on the nose a as the first few minutes you will cope with both shock and terror. The movie opens to a two minute static driving scene following our lead ,who is an environmentalist, in his Ford Mustang! You already know Rod is a hypocritical dick! We haven’t seen a direct shot a Rod yet when the music stops, time to switch scenes. And then the music LOOPS! Two minutes in and the music loops..frick my life, why am I watching this again. As the credits roll we get two minutes of static driving ..this time with titles, which looks like they have been made in windows movie maker! After four painstaking minutes of watching a Ford Mustang we see Rod walking into a bar. And yes the following scene IS a joke. When the waitress opens her mouth, mine dropped open! They did not just do that?! What follows is the weirdest dialog I have ever seen in a movie. Rod and the Waitress are clearly not talking in the same scene, her sound has been edited on top. Sloppily! There are no words in any human language that can describe the level of cringe worthiness so I am gonna ask you to click here!
Cry and Cringing
A movie destroyed and near unwatchable after just the word Hi! This is some serious manatee doodoo. Unfortunately it gets way, waaaaaaay worse. Alan Bagh, the guy portraying rod, can’t act even if his life would depend on it. After the first scene he meets a girl named Nathalie. This romance is so clunky and wooden, I felt like the narrator from Plumbers Don’t wear Ties would pop up any second. The next half of the movie we see a guy who can’t act try to pick up this girl. I am not gonna question the attraction between the two because, that’s not my comfort zone. I will add I do not feel this reflects genuine Male x Female courtship but hey..I am at fish in dry waters here.
What is amazing is that Rod and Nathalie manage to arrange a date without naming a place or time. A rather amazing feature which must mean the two are destined for one another. Yet the romance is so tame, never have I ever felt such apathy. Clearly there is no spark between them at all. The best acting happens from Nathalie’s mother, who I think is just a random cute little gammy they asked to interview or something cause it feels so out of place yet the most natural. The animatronics in Disneyland feel less wooden than these characters. We get some business drama from Rod and actually no backstory for Nathalie except the stuff we get in the first few minutes and a whole lot of poorly mixed sound. Kung-Fu movies have better dubs then this piece of ..art.
We see some incredibly uninteresting dating and after twenty two minutes we see the first birds…It’s at this moment tears start to well up in my eyes, from laughter sure, but deep down I am ashamed I share my humanity with the people who created this.
These birds are still peaceful but will show you what’s to come.
After that it’s twenty more minutes of dating and non-interesting plotlines. We see a farmer market including a tractor parade for example and hear about how Nathalie want to buy ten cats if she had the money for it. Crazy catlady much? Truth be told if I had to date Rod I would rather be a crazy catlady a well, in fact I am not that far of from being a spinster. Their last date before they check into a motel takes the cake of dating though. They go to a completely empty restaurant with no staff, no atmosphere but with this singer black guy which result in the most awkward date on earth, even aardvarks had dates less awkward. Of course the tame courshipping has to be followed up by a tame sexcene, kissing never sounded so fake. This is NOT a better love story than Twilight.And finally after forty five minutes of amateur soap opera² ………………………it just gets worse.
Sadness and Sorrow
So halfway trough this abomination the evil birds show up, bombing the town with suicide strikes and exploding. They even use airfighter sound effects when the birds make a dive attack. Well the correct term is sound effect cause for each strike , which happens about seven times or so, the same effect is used. I am sad that this is a genuine movie. The cry of the birds is horrible that you’d rather have a flock of that waitress girl from the first scene. I’d rather listen to Justin Bieber’s Baby while he is on Helium with a audio feedback loop going on while Miley Cyrus is scratching her nails over a chalkboard! When a bird blows up at a car in front of a gas station and both remain perfectly unharmed I am done! This can’t get any worse right? ……right?………..Riiiiiggght?..Oh Seal balls! Of course it get worse, at fifty one minutes and seven seconds in we are presented with the most horrible scene in the movie. Iconic but horrible. We get this!
I am not even kidding these are the actual animations of the birds, also the only animations, the rest we get is just a recolour. After fighting the bird off in front of their car they get in the car, where they keep automatic rifles…..this is never explained through the movie , cause why bother?
Oh right they are not in the mustang of course but in some guy’s van, can’t even remember what their relation is, I think they are buddies who took their babes to the same porking motel.
After a driving scene some briljant dialog follows somewhere along the lines of:
Rod’s friend: ‘Hey there are some dead people on the side of the road let’s check if there are any survivors’
Rod: ‘They Are Dead’
While this apocalyptic scenario is supposed to unfold you can see traffic casually driving by, well there goes my immersion..ah who am I kidding by now. By this time good all James thinks we must have been tired of the cast of four so they decide to introduce us to some kids, one of which the randomly find in a trunk. Now I said earlier these people where the worst actors I have ever seen within the same movie I get introduced to several that blow even more, but these kids take the cake, this once again is enforced by the epic sound editing.
Acid and Bile
Birdemic is a movie that is rightfully one of the worst movies known to man, but it has it’s entertainment value! James Nguyen seems to know this but he is a cruel bastard as he tries to destroy our entertainment in the final stretch of the movie.
As we meet a scientist who is just casually standing amidst the apocalypse like so many of the drivers on the roads. Now we enter the preachy phase of the movie where not one but two experts who nag about nature to us. The scientist being slightly more dull but at least somewhat realistic.
The forest hippie even has the power to stop the sound of running water when pointing at a tree near him! Hippie Guy is not the only one who gets a cool superpower, in the final skirmishes with the birds it is revealed that they have acid spit. Thus the worst death scene I have laid my eyes upon in a long time was born, the girl turning into a vegetable from Troll 2 only being slightly above this.
This incredibly non gory-supposed to be gory death hardly distracts from the stupid preaching that makes me kinda feel this movie is taking itself serious. If a movie like this takes itself serious ánd throws some random preaching our way it makes me wanna hurl.
The sheer stupidity rises even further when Rod and Nat get some gasoline and are later robbed for it, their robber gets it’s throat cut by a bird and drops the gasoline, while they just sit there they decide it’s better to just leave it behind. Which is good because their car never seems to run out anyway. After fleeing into a forest, cause birds can’t go there?!, they meet the hippie I discussed earlier. After the second long yap about nature the movie needs a plot device to move them out of the forest again cause surely the movie can not end without a resolve?! (You see where I am going with this?))
Which is done by a forest fire, a hilariously bad scene where again only one flame effect is used and a tiny bit of smoke as the actors cough and act all threatened, they leave the hippie to meet his demise and a fiery blaze as we proceed to the final scene.
Ooh the final scene! Rod and Nathalie arrive at beach with their newfound kids and magical car, as everyone else died starvation seems close, when their magical van, which they have driven and restocked several times suddenly has a stove and fishing rod in the trunk, nice to have a context sensitive SUV. When Rod catches a single tiny fish, for four people who haven’t eaten in a while, he heads back and decided to cook it, as Nathalie clearly has no use at all and could not possibly cook while he catches more fish.
Back in the car Nathalie wondrously obtained the jerry can of gas they left behind all those painful minutes ago as the birds prepare for a final attack. One eagle decides to strike the car and for some reason this bird does not explode like all the others. When I prepare for finally seeing these non-actors/non humans meet their maker the birds leave.
Yes of course there is no grand resolve…the birds just leave, without an explanation, probably migrating after just a day, as the ending theme begins playing the group decides to follow the birds, cause environmental damage clearly causes brain damage and see’s the bird off. As Nathalie and the kids snuggle up to Rod, she utters the final phrase of the movie, which is inaudible. The music overpowers her so the final phrase of the movie can not be heard. After three times I just gave up, I think it was question but it was never answered so maybe it was not?!
A strong ending! As the birds fly further and further away in the distance without losing any size , cause you know that would require actual editing skills, …….. the ending theme loops! Like the beginning the ending is so stretched out that before the actual credits begin rolling it needs to loop.
This movie is such a monstrous product it has gained a cult following it even inspired a sequel and James wishes to make a third installment as his final movie. This penguinpoop shames moviemaker across the globe, there are people who are unemployed while people who did these sfx got payed for doing it?
Well I am gonna assume it’s not a lot cause this movie was shot on a 10.000 dollar budget but it’s more than they should deserve. The people who made this movie deserve to be put in an eagles nest as momma eagle chews up a meal and spits it and her acid spit back into their mouths! This movie SUCKS!
And YOU can watch it right here!